Who I am ...

When you are a kid, the dreams of who you would become were so great. People would ask you what you wanted to "be" when you "grow up", and you would answer things like "An Astronaut", "A Marine Biologist", "A Doctor". I often times wonder how many of those dreams really came true for us.

Funny how we never, ever thought to answer, "I want to be a good person when I grow up", or "I want be happy when I grow up"...

I am thirty years old. I grew up in the 1980's-1990's. I think all of us who grew up during this time were taught to focus on the outer parts of ourselves. I know that as a woman we certainly were told we should go to college, get advanced degrees, have a vibrant career and still get married and have kids. It is absurd to think that it is possible as a woman to have a healthy marriage, raise kids correctly while maintaining our figure, being beautiful and having a wonderful career making a lot of money. And yet that's what we always thought would happen. It's absurd.

When I was asked this as a child, I would say, "I want to be a Doctor", and in my head I would think "I want to be skinny and beautiful". At thirty, I am not a doctor. And I am not skinny. And my beauty is subjective depending on how much make-up I put on, how much time I spend on doing my hair.

So what did I end up "being"? There was a long and winding road, but at thirty I am an Executive for a fairly large non-profit organization and I write songs that I sell to publishing houses/record labels. You may have even heard some of my songs before. I don't make a lot of money at either of my 'jobs'. The record labels buy songs from me for pretty cheap, and sometimes they hit and sometimes they don't -- but by the time they hit, I have lost all publishing rights over them. I justify it because, at least, I have an artistic gratification of seeing them come alive. I run a non-profit organization that is always ill-funded, and never fully appreciated. But I justify this by thinking "I am doing something good for society". But, I know, that what I am doing is fighting an uphill battle that I will never win. People just don't care about the greater good. At least not the people that can help the greater good - the rich people...

I am who I am. It is what it is. I have been trying to finish a Master Degree in History for five years now. I get frustrated every night at my work, lack of financial security, my education. I want to do my MBA, but I have no time to study for the GMAT. I spend way too much time straightening my hair every morning, putting on make-up and shopping for clothes. I spend money I don't have on Botox for my forehead because I refuse to look old. I keep trying to quit smoking, but everyday there is a good excuse to smoke. I barely sleep. I work 80+ hours a week. I want to someday have a family, but I cannot imagine "fitting" it in my schedule. I exercise obsessively because my biggest fear in life is to get fat.

Yes, this is who I am and what I became...