Who I am ...

When you are a kid, the dreams of who you would become were so great. People would ask you what you wanted to "be" when you "grow up", and you would answer things like "An Astronaut", "A Marine Biologist", "A Doctor". I often times wonder how many of those dreams really came true for us.

Funny how we never, ever thought to answer, "I want to be a good person when I grow up", or "I want be happy when I grow up"...

I am thirty years old. I grew up in the 1980's-1990's. I think all of us who grew up during this time were taught to focus on the outer parts of ourselves. I know that as a woman we certainly were told we should go to college, get advanced degrees, have a vibrant career and still get married and have kids. It is absurd to think that it is possible as a woman to have a healthy marriage, raise kids correctly while maintaining our figure, being beautiful and having a wonderful career making a lot of money. And yet that's what we always thought would happen. It's absurd.

When I was asked this as a child, I would say, "I want to be a Doctor", and in my head I would think "I want to be skinny and beautiful". At thirty, I am not a doctor. And I am not skinny. And my beauty is subjective depending on how much make-up I put on, how much time I spend on doing my hair.

So what did I end up "being"? There was a long and winding road, but at thirty I am an Executive for a fairly large non-profit organization and I write songs that I sell to publishing houses/record labels. You may have even heard some of my songs before. I don't make a lot of money at either of my 'jobs'. The record labels buy songs from me for pretty cheap, and sometimes they hit and sometimes they don't -- but by the time they hit, I have lost all publishing rights over them. I justify it because, at least, I have an artistic gratification of seeing them come alive. I run a non-profit organization that is always ill-funded, and never fully appreciated. But I justify this by thinking "I am doing something good for society". But, I know, that what I am doing is fighting an uphill battle that I will never win. People just don't care about the greater good. At least not the people that can help the greater good - the rich people...

I am who I am. It is what it is. I have been trying to finish a Master Degree in History for five years now. I get frustrated every night at my work, lack of financial security, my education. I want to do my MBA, but I have no time to study for the GMAT. I spend way too much time straightening my hair every morning, putting on make-up and shopping for clothes. I spend money I don't have on Botox for my forehead because I refuse to look old. I keep trying to quit smoking, but everyday there is a good excuse to smoke. I barely sleep. I work 80+ hours a week. I want to someday have a family, but I cannot imagine "fitting" it in my schedule. I exercise obsessively because my biggest fear in life is to get fat.

Yes, this is who I am and what I became...

Welcome to My Obsessed Life

My name is Dawn Emerson. Well, to be honest that is a lie. Dawn Emerson is my alias -- I love the name Emerson. It has a sort of regal ring to it; if I ever have a daughter, I will name her Emerson. I have created this name out of the fact that if, by some crazy chance, someone somewhere who knows me reads this that they will be fooled enough to not know it's me. You may wonder - why am I worried about my identity?

It's not as though what I am writing in this blog is so secretive that is demands a pseudonym. But this blog is about baring my soul; exposing a part of me that I don't share with people in my life. However, I will say that if you do know me, you will figure it out anyway. I have no intention of hiding who I am, except for my name. Everything else written in this blog will be utterly truthful, and painfully honest. So much so, that I have vowed to myself that I will not re-read any blogs I post, nor will I delete a single one of them. Because I know - if I re-read some of what I will be writing in this, I will delete it immediately as a means to try and deny how I feel, who I am, and the truth about the society we live in...

Yes, sometimes I will rant and sometimes I will rave. But the one thing to remember while you read it is that it is all true. Every bit of it. My life, my friends, who I am, and the happenings of my life is simply a reflection of our American society and the reality in which we live. And, let's be honest, it's often times unsettling. I mean, who wants to admit who they really are and the society they live in when the society they live in and how they really are is shallow, self-absorbed, greedy, lustful and lacks proper insight? ....

Welcome to my Obsessed, Over-Indulgent, Narcissistic, Self-Absorbed, Over-Worked, Under-Paid, Anxious, Take-Drugs-to-Numb-The Pain, Career-Obsessed, Happily Self-Absorbed American Life...